A Witch's Journal
by mispel
Summary: Willow uses magic to make Buffy’s life better. Things go wildly out of control.
1. Part 1: Betterment

A Witch's Journal

Part 1: Betterment

* * *

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October 17, 2001

Tara gave me this beautiful, blue journal a while ago. She said I should fill it with all my "big brainy thoughts". She is the sweetest.

I didn't know what to write in it until now. It seemed wrong to fill it with grief and false hope. Maybe I was afraid I would jinx it.

I was terrified that it wouldn't work. But it did. We brought Buffy back.

I don't want to talk about that yet.

Let's just say she wasn't happy about it.

It was probably wrong of me to expect to be heaped with praise and gratitude. I know it's not wrong to want to see her smile, and to see Dawn smile, and have things be good again.

While I sat on the edge of her bed she asked me some questions about school. I chattered. Then I told her how much I missed her. She said, "I'm here". But she isn't.

I just want her to be happy. I'd settle for just being able to talk to her like we used to. Instead she is spending a lot of time with Spike. She seems comfortable with him. That's not a good sign. He is kind of nice to her. But he is still Spike.

I didn't want to say anything. Buffy seems kind of fragile. She isn't herself. I can't just blurt out whatever I think.

It's like everything hurts her. I feel like she is trapped behind glass but when I tap on it all I do is make her jump.

I don't know what to do except keep an eye on things.

They were talking outside. Spike was doing that boyish thing, where he looks down at the ground and kicks at things. Buffy looked still, pale, thin, vulnerable. I couldn't hear them. I didn't stop watching until Spike left.

I remember his teeth on my neck and, that other time, the broken bottle and the threat. I can't always be there to watch.

Buffy is turning to him more and more. I am convinced that there is good inside Spike, and Buffy needs that, I guess. It's all the rest that worries me.

* * *

New And Improved

October 26, 2001

Willow walked in slowly, moving the creaky door an inch at a time. She looked around letting her eyes adjust to the dark.

"Hey, it's me, your friendly neighborhood Willow. Just stopping by, you know, like I never do. Hello!"

She heard what sounded like a whimper.

"Spike? I was just wondering if you were feeling any different. Maybe a tingling sensation? Or a sudden urge to support Greenpeace? Become a vegan? Spike?"

There was only silence. Willow couldn't see him in the dim light. Tricky shadows filled the corners of the crypt. By saying a few words, she made a blue flame appeared at the tips of her fingers. Then she heard a shriek.

"God help me!"

"Spike?"

She still couldn't see him.

"It's called a Cool Flame, or bla, bla, bla something in Latin. It doesn't burn. It wouldn't even burn you. Come out."

"Please leave me in peace."

"Spike?"

It didn't sound like him.

Willow moved toward the source of the voice. Hidden behind the slab, a figure huddled in a corner.

"I'm not mad. It's a dream," he said in a refined English accent.

Willow got closer.

"Not real," he said, looking ahead, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees.

"It's OK."

He looked up, glasses fogged under curly brown hair.

"My name is Willow. I won't hurt you."

* * *

to be continued


	2. Part 2: Bad Ends

A Witch's Journal

Part 2: Bad Ends

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October 29, 2001

Things are getting kind of confusing.

I wasn't sure what the spell would do exactly. You try it! It's not like making a stuffed pig dance.

Anyway, I thought it worked fine. I found him in Spike's crypt. William - funny hair, 19th century clothes and everything. It was kind of exciting.

He just needed a little time to adjust. Everything freaked him out: my magic, the cars, the TV, the bugs in Spike's crypt.

When the others found out about him there was some grumbling.

And after all that, he didn't even like Buffy. She scared him. Buffy wasn't crazy about him either.

He liked Tara. And who wouldn't. She was so nice to him, so I don't blame him.

But basically, it was a bust. Still, not as bad as some people made it out to be.

Giles said we couldn't just leave him here. I tried to reason with him, but the others all agreed. Even when I reminded them that we were sending him to die.

There was no talking to them, Giles especially.

William went back. I made it so he wouldn't remember anything.

I felt so bad for the poor guy. I didn't even know how long he had before he would meet Drusilla and die.

* * *

She Had an Accident

October 29, 1880

There were lilacs on her bedside table and the room smelled of them. He couldn't explain how he had come to be there. She tried to get away.

"An accident."

William stumbled on the sidewalk and bumped into an old woman.

"An accident," he muttered to himself and walked on.

"It can't be real. Not real."

There were whistles behind him, shouts and the sounds of heavy, running feet.

"Nothing to do with me."

He continued hurrying but not running, unseemly. He was cold despite the sweat on his face.

Rough hands grabbed him and he was shoved into the wall and his glasses were knocked off.

"It's not me. It's not me."

He shook his head as he was led away. Forced back where he had come from, he closed his eyes. They tried to show him something. Tried to make him look.

"It's a mistake. There's been a mistake."

* * *

__

October 31, 2001

I had this headache and couldn't sleep, so I was thinking about poor William. I did a little magic aided research - it saves so much time.

I didn't really expect to find much, a birth record, and maybe something about his disappearance when Spike came into the picture.

I didn't expect to find what I did. I don't even know how it could happen.

While he was here, William mentioned Cecily. He wouldn't shut up about her, actually.

The newspapers called him The Bloody Poet. He was tried for her murder and hanged.

I really don't understand. He seemed so gentle.

Maybe they made a mistake.

And Spike was just gone. I couldn't find him anywhere. Even when I used magic.

No one else remembers him. Or William. It took me almost two days to realize that.

Well, it's not like I wanted to bring him up. I thought they were just avoiding the subject.

And there are some other things that are different.

I have to stop now - I have the worst headache.

* * *

And A Good Time Was Had By All

December 23, 1880

"They are going to hang my pretty, little baby," Drusilla sang while dancing around the darkened bedroom as Darla and Angelus dozed.

"What is she babbling about now?" Darla asked tiredly, lying on her stomach.

Angelus propped himself against the headboard and looked at Drusilla with interest.

She wore red and carried one of her dolls by a noose around its neck.

"The hanging's got her all excited. I think it's precious," Angelus said with something like pride.

Darla mumbled discontentedly.

"I've been robbed. And cheated. The hangman is a thief," Drusilla said as she stopped twirling.

She looked glum then huddled on the floor and started keening.

Darla covered her head with a pillow.

"What are you on about, love?" Angelus asked Drusilla.

"It's all wobbling. Where's my baby?"

"Do you want to go see the hanging?" Darla asked her sweetly, raising her head to smile at Drusilla.

Drusilla jumped up in anticipation.

"They don't let you watch any more. And there is the matter of sunlight, my darling, insane poppy seed," Angelus reminded her with a sideways look at Darla, who was trying to look innocent.

"Not to worry, my Angel. It can't hurt him," Drusilla said and danced out of the room still carrying the doll.

* * *

to be continued


	3. Part 3: Better Late Than Never

A Witch's Journal

Part 3: Better Late Than Never

* * *

Late for Dinner

China, 1900

The slayer came in, her red silk outfit torn in places, her face a little sooty.

"Mother, I'm sorry," she said with her head bowed.

Her mother had been standing by a window, which glowed from the fires outside.

"Your grandmother had a bad premonition. You better go prove her wrong."

"I'll go see her."

The girl moved the go but then her mother spoke again.

"Were you out in that?"

"Yes."

"You should stay inside."

"I can't."

"Next time your grandmother won't be wrong."

Her mother's face seemed to twist a little at the painful thought.

"I'm sorry."

"Go see your grandmother. I'll cook you something."

* * *

When You Play Against Death It's Ok To Cheat

New York City, 1977

Nikki walked into the apartment quietly then stopped at the door to the living room. The TV was on with the sound turned very low.

"Did you forget how to tell time, young man?"

Robin jumped and turned the TV off.

"No Ma'am."

"Where's your Aunt Tanya?"

"Asleep," the boy said with a little smirk.

"Got most of your stuff ready to move?"

"Aha."

Robin looked up and then down and then up again with a puppy dog look that got her attention.

"What?"

"Can we go to the fair tomorrow?"

"We leave in two days."

"Just for a little bit. It's our last chance."

"They got fairs in San Francisco too."

"Not like here. Please."

"OK. Fine. Now get to bed."

She took him by the hand and they went to his bedroom.

"Did you get any baddies?" Robin asked as he climbed into bed.

"Sure did. On the subway. But you aren't going to hear all about it."

"I won't get scared."

"I know it. You're my brave boy. Now go to sleep."

* * *

__

March 3, 1997

There is a new girl in school. Her name is Buffy Summers. She's Codelia Chase's new second in command. Xander is in love with her.

I'm not going to go on and on about it. I hate her and her stupid name.

There is a new librarian too. He is smart and British and nice to look at. I think he is my new crush. Take that, Xander!

Xander is coming over so we can study. Actually, I already know this stuff. But it doesn't hurt to review it one more time.

* * *

There's Been a Delay, Please Stay Tuned

March 3, 1997

Xander dropped his book bag on the floor of Willow's room with a loud thud.

"Hey, the librarian is insane."

Willow stared at him for a moment from her bed.

"Is that the new hello? I don't think I like it. And he is not!"

"Ooh, librarian groupie," Xander teased as he tried to grab a fuzzy slipper off her foot.

"Cut it out."

"Anyway, I was in the library, and I heard him talking to the new girl..."

"Buffy Summers. So you really were at the library."

Willow turned over and started to look over her notes acting uninterested.

"I was going to check out some books, or possibly magazines, before I found out the librarian is an imported nut."

"You can't check out the magazines. You have to read them there or copy them," Willow explained seriously.

"OK. So I was behind some shelves, not hiding, just browsing."

"Sure."

"I heard him talking to Buffy. He says 'You may find what I am about to tell you somewhat difficult to believe, Ms. Summers'," Xander said with a nasal British accent.

"He doesn't sound like that."

"Aha. Check this out, he said that he is not here by accident, he was sent to watch Buffy. Creepy, huh? And why? Because she is not an ordinary girl, she is special. He told her that she was chosen as the next slayer of vampires, and she has a destiny and some other insane stuff. I think he was hitting on her."

"Oh, no. He is insane."

"I think Buffy is going to call the cops on him."

"Poor Mr. Giles."

"Poor Buffy. She was freaked."

* * *

to be continued


	4. Part 4: Death's Vengeance

A Witch's Journal

Part 4: Death's Vengeance

* * *

Vengeance is Mine

November 24, 1998

Anyanka materialized at the Crawford Street Mansion and looked around for the source of the vengeful feeling that had brought her there. For a moment two yellow eyes stared at her in the dim light. Then the vampire put on her human face and turned away.

"We have a guest, and you're all dirty, naughty girls," Drusilla said as she stood hunched over her dolls.

They were lined up in front of her, covered with dust. She slapped the one on the end and it fell down.

"Clumsy," Drusilla scolded it as she picked it up.

"I got a vengeance vibe. So I came. Now I'm getting a crazy vibe. It's the dolls," Anyanka explained though Drusilla seemed to be ignoring her. She was looking closely at the doll's chipped face.

"So, did some man drive you bonkers?" Anyanka asked conversationally.

Drusilla straightened and dropped the doll.

"It's late. I've been stood up."

"I knew it!" Anyanka said with a smile.

Then she put on a sympathetic face.

"Aww, you poor thing."

Anyanka paused then got rid of the sympathetic, human face.

"What am I saying, you're a vampire, I don't need the shtick. Want to make a wish?"

Drusilla walked away and started to search for something.

"Something's rotten," Drusilla said as she overturned things and threw them around the room.

"Try the body you got stashed in the corner. Spray some Lysol on him or something."

Drusilla ripped up clothes and books. She smashed trunks and boxes, throwing them to the ground. They burst and their contents spilled out.

"She did it! She took him. Tricked him, sneaked him away!" Drusilla ranted.

Agitated, Drusilla took one of the dolls and crushed its porcelain head in her fist. Then she pulled the dead body by its feet and stomped on it.

"Stay focused, crazy lady. This guy that dumped you, let's focus on him," Anyanka said impatiently.

"I'll get the little, rag doll. She'll flop like a fish on a hook," Drusilla said viciously and punctuated the last word by slamming the dead body against the wall.

"Amateurs. You are wasting all that anger on a corpse. And you want revenge on the other woman. Typical. You're on your own - I don't do girls."

Anyanka sighed, annoyed that she came for nothing, then disappeared.

Drusilla stopped her rampaging. She looked around the empty space. Blades of sunlight cut through slits at the edges of the room. Recently kicked up dust swirled in the beams.

"On my own," Drusilla sobbed.

She slumping to the floor and buried her face in the mess of broken things.

* * *

November 26, 1998

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It's finally over between me and Xander. And not the way it was over before, really finally over.

It's not like Xander and I were headed for the happily ever after. Did Xander dump Cordelia to be with me? OK, I didn't dump Oz to be with him. But Oz is not Cordelia. He is a great guy. The way he looks at me, the way he makes me feel - I don't ever want that to stop.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't come to my senses on my own. It took something really drastic to make me realize the thing with Xander had to stop. Even knowing Oz would never do that to me, I still didn't end things until he almost died. Oz thinks I'm someone worth dying for. I'm not.

Drusilla came back to town. We knew when Angel found his place all torn apart. Angel said that someone had died there.

Xander was coming by, just to talk. I stepped outside the door of my house for a second and Drusilla grabbed me.

When I woke up inside a crypt, I thought I was going to pass out again from the smell. There was a dead guy sitting against the wall. Drusilla had done things to him. Some damaged, old, porcelain dolls were in his lap. Drusilla talked to them about what to do with me. She mentioned a spike. I didn't see one but I didn't need to. I am going to have nightmares forever.

I don't know why she fixated on me. Buffy took Angel away from her but she kept saying I took 'him'. But she didn't mean Angel. She said I did something and he was lost. I told her I'd help her look. She said that you can't find him if you don't know his name. But she wouldn't tell me his name. I offered to do spells. That made her really mad.

I would have been dead or worse if Oz hadn't found me then. He risked his life for me. And there was no wolf moon - he was just Oz. Drusilla almost killed him. If Buffy and the others hadn't gotten there in time I would have lost him. I can hardly breathe when I think of that.

From now on I'm going to be the person Oz thinks I am. This thing with Xander is just confusing and it's too late and it's wrong. It can't happen any more. I'm done screwing up.

* * *

Death's Door

April 17, 2001

"Return to me."

After she finished the spell, Dawn felt dizzy. She shook it off and rushed to her mother's grave.

Dawn was out of breath when she arrived. It looked the same as when she had gotten the dirt. She fell to her knees not taking her eyes off the fresh grave.

She was feeling dizzy again so she wasn't sure - but the dirt seemed to shift. Dawn could feel the ground start to loosen underneath her, like quicksand. She scrambled away. But not too far. She waited and something rose. First it was a rounded thing then it stretched out, slim and tall like her mother. She had her shape. But Dawn couldn't tell for sure. It was covered with dirt

"Mom? Is it you? Mom? It's going to be Ok," Dawn tried to sound reassuring not doubtful.

The thing started to move. It seemed to be having trouble. When its feet wouldn't work, it made a guttural sound. It tried again and stumbled.

Without thinking Dawn reached out for her. As it grabbed her, its voice tore out roughly from a raw throat. Dawn struggled uselessly. She saw its mouth grow big, exposing sharp teeth. She screamed.

She didn't see where Buffy came from. Dawn was knocked down and away from it. Then Willow was kneeling in front of her.

"Was there a picture?" Willow asked.

Dawn didn't answer. She stared as Buffy held the thing down with help from Giles and Xander.

"Dawn did you have a picture of your Mom?" Willow tried again holding Dawn by the arm.

"What is that?" Dawn asked still staring, unable to look away.

Buffy was crying and Giles was whispering to her.

Willow took Dawn's face in her hands.

"Did you use a picture for the spell, a photo of your Mom?"

"No," Dawn finally answered.

"Tara, take her home," Buffy said.

"What are you going to do?" Dawn asked her sister.

"That's not your Mom, Dawn. It's not her. We have to go," Tara said as she pulled her away.

* * *

to be continued


	5. Part 5: Try, Try Again

A Witch's Journal

Part 5: Try, Try Again

* * *

Jump

May 22, 2001

Shallow cuts. A lot of them. The dress soaked up most of the blood. Buffy freed her and lowered her to the floor.

"I have something to tell you. Dawn, stay awake."

But she couldn't. Her eyes closed.

"I can't stay, Dawn. You're going to be OK. The others are going to be here soon. But I have to go. I wish you could hear me. I love you."

* * *

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Time: October 2, 2001

I've had this notebook for a while. Tara gave it to me. I swear I wrote in it before. I guess not.

I found it! I cried like a baby when I held it. Careful not to drop it, of course. It's priceless. It feels so real now. Only a few more things and I'll be able to bring her back. But The Urn of Osiris is the main thing. It was worth everything I had to do to get it.

I wish I could tell the others. But after Joyce they wouldn't understand.

The spell I am going to use is completely different. That thing wasn't Joyce. It hardly even looked like her. I would never risk bringing Buffy back that way. I know what I'm doing.

I just can't risk telling them - they might try to stop me. Especially Giles. He still blames me for what Dawn did. He doesn't say much about it any more but I know he's thinking it.

Poor Dawn. She just couldn't take any more.

This is for Dawn more than anyone - but I have to act fast. She isn't getting better. She had lost so much blood, and then Buffy.

There is always someone with her now. Giles reads to her. Xander and Tara just talk to her. She doesn't answer.

I wish I could tell Dawn, but for months she had those horrible nightmares about that thing that came out of her mother's grave - even if we didn't let her see what we did.

* * *

A Steep Decline

October 16, 2001

Giles looked like he might crush the eyeglasses in his hands.

"After Dawn botched the resurrection of her mother... After what we had to do with ...it. She risked the same thing with Buffy," Giles gritted out trying to keep his voice down.

"Look. It's done. It didn't turn out like that. Do you want things the way they were?"

Xander glanced at the doorway making sure no one was there to overhear them.

"This will only get worse. She should have never attempted it alone."

"Did she have a choice? Remember the marauding demon gangs, Dawn nearly catatonic."

"Have you looked at Willow? Have you seen things melt in her hands? Why do you think Tara won't have anything to do with her?"

"It's only the aftereffects. It will pass."

"Is that what she told you?"

Xander didn't answer.

* * *

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October 23, 2001

I know I wrote in this thing before. But the words just aren't there. I hope it wasn't anything important.

It's so hard to write now. The pencil wants to move on its own. I guess I'll just let it.

I'm going to enchant the notebook. I'm placing it outside of this reality. When I say the magic word, poof, it reappears. Neat, huh. No dinky little diary lock.

I'm sure Giles would disapprove. He acts like magic is poison. He treats me like I'm a criminal. It was me and magic that brought Buffy back to us and he... He'll come around.

Dawn is doing so much better since Buffy came back. She's gaining back the weight she lost. She might even start school in a month or so.

I was so afraid of the way Buffy would react seeing her sister like that. But we just couldn't reach Dawn. Once we told her Buffy was gone, we lost her. She wasn't eating, she wasn't healing. She was sinking into herself, fading away from us.

But I brought Buffy back just in time and she reached her. They're so close now.

Joyce would be so proud of them. It's not right that she isn't here.

No, I'm not going to try and raise the dead. I know that's not the answer in her case.

It's much simpler than that.

* * *

A Stitch in Time

February 26, 2001

Xander and Willow sat on either side of Buffy in the hospital hallway. Giles struggled with the vending machine. Tara tried to help and Dawn just watched all set with her bag of chips.

"I can't believe your Mom bumped her head after everything," Xander said shaking his head.

"I know. She seems OK though. And they're running a million tests to make sure her brain is unscrambled."

"That's good."

"Yeah, I had to drag her here though. She was going to blow it off."

"And she was supposed to go out on the date last night," Willow remembered.

"Yeah. I can't find the guy's number or I'd call him."

"I'm sure he'll understand," Willow reassured her.

"Unless he's a robot," Xander joked.

"Oh, the robot girl! I forgot about her."

"I'm sure it will keep."

* * *

As Katrina ran for help, April squeezed Warren until he died. She was sad afterward until she ran out of power.

* * *

Anywhere but Here

September 25, 2001

Dear Tara, Willow, and Xander,

I'm sure you recognize the Hagia Sophia in the background and that's the two of us at the start of the tour. Dawn said it's a big, scary, red church with teeth. She took lots of pictures. It'll all be on her website soon. I know you keep up with that. But I wanted you to have a real letter and a real photo.

I didn't want you to think I'm cutting you out of Dawn's life. I know you loved Buffy, and Dawn too. But I couldn't let her stay in that place. At first it was just to get her far away. But now I'm showing her things. I want Dawn to see the world. I want her to know what her sister died for.

It's still so hard. We lost something precious, irreplaceable. For a while I felt we were lost too. Then I thought maybe lost things are with other lost things, maybe all lost things go to the same place. We're just looking for that place. I don't think that makes much sense. I guess I feel that Buffy is still a part of the world. She made the world better. She saved it. I have to hold on to that.

I just wanted you all to know that we think of you and hope you are all doing well.

Love,

Joyce

* * *

__

October 9, 2001

We did it! Buffy is alive. We brought her back. Giles is on his way back from England. But we couldn't reach Dawn and her Mom. Buffy is sort of frantic. After she almost lost them both last year, I don't blame her. She is ready to go to Istanbul and track them down from there. That was the last place we heard from them two weeks ago.

But she won't have to go anywhere. It's not a resurrection. It's just a locator spell. Child's play. They'll be so happy when they find out about Buffy.

I want Buffy to have her life back. She still seems lost. She has made a hundred phone calls to find her Mom and Dawn. She only asked about her Dad once. She has given up on him.

There's something Joyce wrote, about lost things. I have this feeling that something is a little off.

I think I'm going to tweak the locator spell a little.

* * *

to be continued


	6. Part 6: Welcome Back

A Witch's Journal

Part 6: Welcome Back

* * *

It's All Coming Back to Me

November 2, 2001

Buffy called Janice's house. A giggly Janice answered.

"Are you guys having fun?"

"Buffy? I'll get Dawn, she..."

"No. I just want to...check on her. She doesn't need anything, does she?"

"I think she's all set."

"Good. Tell her to call me if there is anything I can bring her."

"What's that noise over there? Yelling? Is everything..."

"It's the TV. I should turn it down. So Dawn can call me if she needs anything."

"Sure."

Buffy hung up then went to close the door to her room.

"Do you want her to turn out like Buffy!?"

It was her father's voice.

Buffy backed away from the door and she couldn't hear what her mother yelled back, only that she did.

She went into the bathroom and closed the door. She could still hear raised voices. She turned on the faucet.

* * *

__

November 5, 2001

Buffy's Dad is back. That should be great news. But he found out about the slayer thing and all the other weird stuff and freaked out. Especially after Dawn went on a date with a vampire and almost got killed.

Dawn agreed to go to Portugal with him for a few months. She wanted to keep the peace, mainly. Also she seemed restless here. She is such a traveler now, all worldly.

Something about my locator spell: I modified it into a spell to help lost ones find their way home. It got Joyce and Dawn back here. It's also why Buffy's Dad came back. Now Oz is back too. He seemed really confused about how he ended up driving here instead of Saskatchewan.

I guess he's home.

Things have been hard for him. Now that he has some control over himself, it takes a lot out of him to keep it. He seemed tense and exhausted. Not like Oz.

To think he was one biting toddler away from being a regular guy. Well, not a regular guy, but a regular Oz.

* * *

For Better or Worse

November 7, 2000

It was an empty UC Sunnydale hallway. Classes were in session. They could hear a muffled lecture through the nearest door.

"You want to marry me despite the wheelchair not because of it, right?" Oz asked, leaning back, his fingerless gloves crumpled in his lap.

"I want to be with you because of you. And because you can do a wheelie. And play guitar."

He did a wheelie and made Willow smile.

"I just want to have it straight. I know I'm a catch. I have the hair. I'm cute as a button."

"And you can do a wheelie."

"And play guitar."

"So will you?"

* * *

__

February 26, 2002

I cast another spell to try and help Oz. He is still paralyzed but at least I still have my hubby.

I remember how he was after the last operation failed. The look in his eyes when he knew. He wants to walk again. I can't give up.

But every time I try to use magic to cure him something goes wrong. It only gets worse the more I try. Tara told me as much. I wouldn't listen.

She helped me set things back. She says there is still something off, but things seemed OK to me.

Until I flipped back in the journal and read about Oz finding his way home, driving to Saskatchewan? That never happened. The notebook is full of things that never happened.

It's one of the glitches from the spells. They messed up my journal. I guess I'm lucky that's all that stayed messed up.

I'm so grateful to Tara for helping me fix things. And for her friendship. And it is just friendship. There was that thing that happened in her room. But it's just friendship.

When I'm talking to Tara, sometimes I forget what time it is and I have to tiptoe into the bedroom so I won't wake Oz. It reminds me of when Buffy and I used to talk like that and I had to sneak back home or get a big lecture.

I haven't spoken to Buffy in days. And it was days before that time. I don't know what's going on with her. But I know she's so alone. Giles is in England. Joyce and Dawn are gone again. Joyce's new job takes her all over the world. They asked Buffy to come with them but she chose to stay. I was glad then, but now I'm thinking maybe she should have gone.

I feel responsible for the way she is. I thought she would get better. Being brought back has set her apart from everyone.

Riley's visit just made things worse. He shouldn't have come back. Or he shouldn't have left in the first place.

* * *

My, What Big Teeth You Have

April 17, 2001

Riley had been missing for almost two days. Buffy saw him standing under her window and for a second she thought he was a ghost.

Standing like a statue, Riley stared up at her until she left the window to go to him. He approached Buffy casually, like he had nothing to explain, and stopped a few feet away. He looked at her in a way she found familiar and all wrong. He moved differently. When he smiled, she knew.

After the first stunned, pained expression, Buffy's face went blank.

"What? This is what you like. Check me out. It's your great, first love all over again."

Riley moved forward. Buffy stood still until he was within her reach then she staked him. She closed her eyes as he dusted, the wind blowing him all around her.

* * *

__

April 20, 2001

I can't believe Riley self-destructed like that. Buffy said it was a long time coming. I had no idea. He seemed so solid. I guess no one is really solid on the inside.

OK, now I'm flashing back to the cadaver insides. Just when I think I'm getting used to all the gross Gross Anatomy stuff. I am not looking forward to the day we get to uncover the head.

I think I'm on the right path. I know it's a Maggie Walsh path. I don't want to be that kind of doctor, but she had some things right. Demons do have incredible regenerative powers. I just need a tiny bit of demon, the rest is science. I know I can cure Oz.

Everyone is always amazed at how well he has adjusted. But why should he have to adjust? Why should he learn to be at peace with this when I can fix it.

* * *

We're Not in Kansas Any More

February 26, 2002

Oz stood, he walked. He could run if he wanted. He just couldn't go out where anyone might see him.

"I can fix this. I..."

Willow was interrupted.

"You can do anything."

Those weren't words of encouragement.

"I'm him now, aren't I?" Oz spoke in a quiet, thoughtful tone. "Pete, the guy who beat his girlfriend to death when I couldn't stop him and he broke my back, put me in the wheelchair for three years."

He looked at her.

"That was hard. I guess it was hard for you too."

"I wasn't..." Willow started then just watched.

Oz moved around as if trying out his legs.

"They work. But do you see that?" Oz gestured at her arm with his disfigured hand.

His wedding ring was embedded into the undifferentiated piece of swollen flesh that was once his fingers.

"I did that. I gave you those cuts."

Willow held her arm protectively.

"It's just a scratch and it was an accident."

"Don't make excuses!" Oz snapped but then his voice was hushed and even again. " I'm not me any more. You aren't safe."

"I'll figure something out," Willow pleaded.

"No. I can't be here."

He moved to leave, then stopped. Half turning to her, he asked, "Why were you so desperate? Didn't we have something real? It wasn't just pity all this time? I was happy, pretty satisfied. Why weren't you?"

* * *

To be continued


	7. Part 7: Kiss It and Make It Better

A Witch's Journal

Part 7: Kiss It And Make It Better

* * *

__

March 5, 2002

_I think Xander is seeing that vengeance demon. I said some things. He said some things. Now he avoids me. _

_Buffy disappears for weeks._

_I am still looking for a way to help Oz, but I took the wedding ring off._

_I don't know what I would do without Tara. She is the only solid thing I have left. She is so special to me. She never wavers. Even though Kennedy - the new slayer in town out to make Buffy feel even worse - has a crush on her. Kennedy was called when Buffy died. Now there are two slayers. If the new slayer keeps up with the attitude, we'll be back to one._

_I want to do something for Tara. I am not ready to be with anyone yet, but I want to give her something._

_She doesn't know how wonderful she is. It's her awful family. _

* * *

Happy Birthday, Baby

October 16, 1980

The old man spit to the side and wiped his mouth with a handkerchief. The real-estate agent grimaced and stepped back.

"Oh, the Maclay house used to be there. But that was when I was a boy. I think they moved. I forget. Just as well. There was something not right with them folks."

The old man squinted at the empty space. It looked like he had spotted something there so the other man followed his gaze.

"They tore the house down, wasn't safe. The only thing to do, I guess. I remember it when there was still bits of blue paint sticking to the old siding. The yard was real overgrown. Sometimes a snake would come out of there. Now it's just a bare plot. Like there was never a house there at all."

The old man's watery eyes grew focused again as he shook his head.

"So what are they gonna build there? A Seven-Eleven?"

* * *

Whose Girlfriend Are You?

February 26, 2002

"Buffy isn't all that. If it wasn't for you she would be dead."

Kennedy looked at Willow, but Willow only stared up at the ceiling.

"Kennedy, don't."

"If I die, will you bring me back?"

"Is this your idea of pillow talk? Try not to die. Resurrections really take it out of me."

"My watcher said that I am the true slayer. The slayer line goes through me. Buffy is a dead end."

"She's a slayer and she's been through a lot."

"You always defend her. Whose girlfriend are you, anyway?"

* * *

__

March 5, 2002

Giles is in town again. He's still giving me the cold shoulder. I'm hoping he can at least reconnect with Buffy. But they seem so far apart now. Maybe if they had more time.

Giles is so cranky though. And it's like he always has his eye on the exit, plane ticket in his pocket. And Buffy is practically pushing him out the door. She doesn't want him around her. She thinks she's toxic. She's just unhappy. Giles is too.

I wish he had something to stay for.

If only Angelus hadn't emerged and killed Miss Calendar.

* * *

Two Birds With One Stone

January 20, 1998

Drusilla's minions held Angel in place as The Judge approached him slowly.

"Not him. He won't pass," Drusilla protested.

She tried to get in the way but when the Judge's hand came near to her she moved.

Angel struggled and got loose. But it took only one touch and Angel was in flames.

"And then there was one," Drucilla said as the flames still licked the air.

The ashes settled and Drucilla stared at them.

"It's not right. Count again. Someone's been pilfering."

* * *

Still the Same

January 20, 1998

Buffy had the old dream about the Master. She felt his tight grip holding her in place as he bit her. Feeling her life draining out of her, she thought they were a mirage, a last, happy thought. Her friends had arrived and the Master was interrupted. He let her fall to the ground. The Master had thrown off the others, only Angel still held out. She watched them helplessly, the blood loss weighing her down. Her paralysis had almost gotten Angel killed. She had rallied then and saved him. But in this dream she was too slow.

Buffy woke up alone in Angel's bed. She was cold. Her hair was still a little damp.

It had almost happened, they came so close. And now he was gone. She got up and went to look for him.

* * *

To be continued


	8. Part 8: Fruit of a Poison Tree

A Witch's Journal

Part 8: Fruit of a Poison Tree

* * *

__

March 12, 2002

The demon poisoned her and I can't make her better no matter what I try. Giles says that she doesn't want to be here. So she isn't.

I wish I could give Buffy whatever she wants so she can be happy.

Why would she want to stay in this world? Everything is unraveling. I can't find Dawn and Joyce. Every spell I try is useless.

I've been trying to figure things out from the notebook, but I don't remember writing these things. Who is Tara?

Giles has been making evil eyes at me. He doesn't even say her name, but he thinks I'll end up like Miss Calendar. Just because she went evil, doesn't mean I will. I was the one who defeated her. I mean, I guess he did the hard part. Still, I'm not her.

The doctors said we shouldn't visit Buffy. But Giles has to leave for England and he wants to say goodbye. I'm helping him sneak in.

* * *

Say Goodbye

Time: March 13, 2002

Giles held her hand. It was cool and limp in his. And small. He let go.

"Buffy."

He missed the first days when she used to tell him he wasn't real. Now she didn't even make eye contact.

As he got up to leave, Buffy smiled to herself.

"Almost home," she whispered.

Willow waited outside the asylum and paced. She looked at the door now and then but no one came out.

* * *

__

March 16, 2002

I found myself outside Buffy's mental institution the other day. I don't know how I got there. I probably just got lost. I miss her. I wish I could talk to her.

She isn't supposed to be there. It isn't right. There are all these mistakes. Bad bumps. I'm getting rid of them. Just one at a time. Carefully. It's OK. I know what I'm doing.

* * *

Never There

April 30, 2002

Willow stared into the darkened store. The glass on the door had a long crack running across it, covered with tape. She could make out dusty shelves and overturned display cases. Then the light shifted and she could only see her reflection.

She thought there was a magic store there.

Confused, she hurried home before it got dark.

* * *

__

May 7, 2002

There are missing entries in the journal. I tried conjuring them, but the pages just turned black.

People are missing too. Someone named Giles.

I think this Tara person was important. I wrote that she helped me fix things. I need someone to help me fix things.

I don't know what I did.

How could I have been so stupid.

* * *

Will I Ever See You Again

May 14, 2002

"You didn't lose a baby, you never had one!" A middle aged man shouted at someone in a parked car.

Willow hurried by and to Xander's apartment.

"I am going to go visit Buffy," Xander said before she got through the door.

"We aren't supposed to."

"What good has it done to stay away. Is she getting better? You see what's happening around here. It's not just her."

Willow looked at the floor.

"Are you coming with me?" Xander asked as he grabbed his jacket.

"I don't think you should go."

Xander shook his head.

"I need to see her."

And he was gone.

* * *

__

May 17, 2002

I am a good person. A good person trying to do good. How can it turn out like this?

* * *

To be continued


	9. Part 9: With Good Intentions

A Witch's Journal

Part 9: With Good Intentions

* * *

The Lights Are Off, No One is Home

May 17, 2002

Willow heard the sound of glass breaking somewhere outside. There were sirens in the distance. She sat still and held a blue notebook in her hands. She had stopped reading it a while ago. There were notes strewn around her: diagrams, lists of names, lots of question marks. Her laptop monitor was the only light as she let night fall around her.

* * *

__

May 21, 2002

What the hell does any of this even mean? I don't get half the things I've written here. I'm starting to doubt that I even wrote them. This journal is useless.

* * *

About This Girl

May 28, 2002

"There is a girl here," Willow insisted to the woman at the reception desk.

"Ma'am, if you don't even have a name, I can't help you."

"I know there is supposed to be a girl."

"Would you like to talk to a doctor?"

Willow turned and left the mental institution lobby.

"Maybe you shouldn't have let her go," a nurse told the receptionist.

"Where would we put her?"

"You're right. Anyway, she didn't look dangerous."

* * *

__

May 30, 2002

I know I was keeping a diary. I can picture a bright blue bound notebook with a place to attach a pen. I know I put a spell on it to hide it and it appeared when I said a word. Well, I've been saying words all day - nothing. I can't find it. I need it. It can tell me what is going on. Something is very wrong. And I think it's something I did.

* * *

Request for Asylum

June 1, 2002

Hi Mom,

Things are bad here. It's just now starting to make the news.

Insane people running around saying how they aren't supposed to be here, or calling for their nonexistent children, telling people they should be dead. They are testing the water and the food.

Mom, I'm worried. I have these terrible headaches. And everything around me kind of shifts. Sometimes I see things out of the corner of my eye. But they aren't there when I turn to look at them. I see this blue notebook all the time. I've even tried walking sideways to sneak up on it. I know that isn't a good sign.

I'm telling you this because I know now that I need help. I'm hoping that since it's still early, maybe something can be done for me? The clinics and hospitals here are all full. I hope you can arrange something.

And while I still know what I'm saying, I wanted to tell you and Dad that I love you.

Willow

* * *

__

October 23, 2002

The new doctor told me to keep a journal but I don't know what to say. Should I write down all the insane things I see and hear? Fine. I see people who I've never met. I hear them calling me. They call for help or they accuse me. Sometimes, when I see them I start to cry. I have waking nightmares. Things coming after me. I try not to react to them. But that's hard.

The drugs make me feel fuzzy. I think that's best. When the new doctor took me off them to reassess me, it was bad. Things were too clear and sharp. It hurt. My mind couldn't rest, like I was constantly looking for something. That damn blue notebook.

* * *

The end


End file.
